Understanding Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a regularly used term in psychology and the types of abuse one can endure. The term ‘gaslighting’ has become something new to watch out for, even though the concept is not new at all.

Many people may have felt the feelings that gaslighting can cause in a relationship or conflict¹1.G. Z. Gass and W. C. Nichols, Gaslighting: A marital syndrome – Contemporary Family Therapy, SpringerLink.; Retrieved October 9, 2022, from https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF00922429, but may not have been able to quite put their finger on, or accurately describe to someone else what was happening.

The concept is not new in relationships and neither is the word, but the popularity surrounding the word may be. This rediscovery of gaslighting has helped many people to figure out issues they are having in their relationships. It has helped people realize that often in conflict, they are not the problem, and that their reality is just as true as their partner’s.

Understanding Relationship Gaslighting

If the term happens to be new to you or you do not fully understand it, gaslighting is one individual denying another individual’s reality. It involves the gaslighTER telling the gaslighTEE that something they saw or remember happening did not happen. The gaslighter may not realize they are doing it, but their behavior has a huge impact on the person they are gaslighting.

Victims of Gaslighting in a Relationship deal with:

• feelings of self-doubt
• second-guessing themselves
• unable to make decisions on their own
• relying on their partner to make decisions

How does Gaslighting in a Relationship Happen?

Gaslighting in a relationship can occur with small everyday tasks such as your partner saying they grabbed the mail when you know that you did. Someone who is regularly gaslit is often forced to adjust their entire perspective on something like that even if they know and remember grabbing the mail themselves.

Their partner or friend repeatedly denies their reality and convinces them that it is incorrect. Gaslighting can also happen in really serious situations as well. Your partner could completely deny an affair or infidelity even though you have proof through finance receipts. A person gaslighting someone in a relationship could convince someone who has solid proof that they are having an affair that they are just imagining things and do not understand money well enough to accuse them.

Gaslighting in a relationship is often be confused as sensitivity and they are not the same thing. Someone who is gaslit is often made to believe that they are overly sensitive or easily upset even though they may have every right to be. This constant denial of reality or what the gaslighted believes to be true is enough to make anyone upset or confused.

Signs you are the victim of gaslighting:

• You do not feel adequate enough for your partner and begin to believe that your partner is always right and you are dumb or unintelligent. This is not the case. Your partner, friend, or family member just has a way that makes you think that you are.

• People who are gaslit often have a difficult time making decisions because they are so regularly convinced that what they think is wrong or incorrect.

• You apologize way more than you need to. Eventually, victims of gaslighting are made to believe that their incorrectness or false reality is a burden to the gaslighter.

• Feeling overly sensitive? You are likely just upset because your reality is being denied and that is completely understandable.

• Acting confused or crazy? Believing one thing and then being told it’s actually something completely else? Trying to wrap your head around something you saw with your own eyes not being true is enough to make anyone feel a little out of wack.

• You make excuses for the gaslighter’s behavior. This person has effectively convinced you that they are always right and you are always wrong. This ideal makes you put them on a pedestal and you will often excuse their behavior because you think of them and their opinion so highly.

• Something feels off and you cannot put your finger on it. You know that what you saw is what you saw. You know they did not do what they said they did, but you are convinced that you are wrong. This is confusing and it feels weird to have to completely change your perspective on something you felt firmly about.

Am I a Victim of Gaslighting in a Relationship?

If any of those scenarios sound familiar to you, you may need to rethink or adjust this relationship before it takes too much of a toll on your mental health. It is difficult to approach a gaslighter and you need to know how the conversation is going to go. Remember, in their mind they will always be right and you will always be wrong. What they think is actual reality and what you think is a falsely imagined version of reality that is only in your head.

For your own sanity, it needs to be fixed, but it can be difficult, especially if this is a family member or long-term partner.

Gaslighting Narcissist

Often, gas-lighters are abusive narcissists. When a narcissist gaslights you, they engage in character assassinations and invalidate your thoughts, emotions, perceptions, and sanity. The goal of the ngaslighter is to make the victim doubt themselves. Gaslighting abuse causes a person to lose their sense of identity, perception, and worth.

Gaslighting is a form of narcissism and sociopathic tendencies as they look to gain power over someone. It is a form of psychological manipulation used in relationships in order to maintain control over another person. The origin of the term can be traced to a British play in which an abusive husband manipulates the surroundings and events with the goal of making his wife question her reality.

You my find that gaslighting in a relationship gathers pace, or becomes even more extreme if the gaslighting narcissist feels like you may be about to leave the abusive situation.

Stop Gaslighting in a Relationship

Write down a conversation where you felt like you were gaslighted. Every detail, what you remember, and what they tried to convince you of. Dissecting detailed recounts like this after they have happened can help you truly understand and wrap your head around what is going on.

Tell a friend or family member. If you are being gaslit and you have close relationships with other people, they have probably noticed. You can ask them what they think about your relationship dynamics or if they are aware of gaslighting in your relationship. You can read them the situation and conversation you wrote down in detail. Having someone that you have a different type of relationship with helping uncover what is going on can be extremely eye-opening.

Get professional help

Speak with a professional to help you gather the tools you need to help confront and change the situation. The person who is gaslighting you likely has the upper hand on you when it comes to conflict in the relationship. Even if you have understood and accepted that this is happening, you may not have the tools and words you need to help you fix it.

Speaking with a professional, such as a counselor or a therapist can help give you the tools and words you need to say to the person gaslighting you. They can also help guide you through what happens after you begin discussing gaslighting with the gaslighter. The relationship may best be ended, but there may be ways to mend if the individual is willing to put in work as well.

Gaslighting is not new, but that does not mean it’s old news to you. You may have just recently discovered that this is what is happening to you or someone you love. It’s not an easy thing to overcome as it often involves a complete disruption of someone’s reality. Yet it is vital to do the hard work as soon as possible in order to prevent further and more permanent self-doubt.

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